Gear You Need for Your Area 51 Raid: A Totally Not Serious Guide to Desert Survival

Disclaimer: This is a humor piece. Please don’t try to raid Area 51. The only aliens you’ll meet will be wearing government uniforms, and they’re not the friendly kind.

Remember that time in 2019 when millions of people signed up to raid Area 51 because “they can’t stop all of us”? While nobody stormed the gates (smart move, folks), it did give us some prime meme material. So, in the spirit of that legendary Facebook event, let’s explore what you’d theoretically need to survive a desert adventure near a highly classified military base. You know, for science.

Desert Survival Basics: Because the Aliens Aren’t Your Biggest Problem

Let’s face it – before you even get close to discovering whether the truth is really out there, you’ll have to face off against humanity’s oldest enemy: nature itself. The Nevada desert is no joke, with temperatures that make your kitchen oven feel like a cool spring breeze.

The Ultimate Hydration Setup

If you’re planning to Naruto-run across the desert (that was the plan, right?), you’ll need more water than you think. The average human needs about a gallon of water per day in desert conditions. Now, factor in all that running, and you’re looking at drinking enough to fill a small pool.

Your water system should include:

• A professional-grade hydration pack (those cheap ones will burst when you’re doing your ninja moves)
• Multiple backup water bottles (because Murphy’s Law applies double in the desert)
• Water purification tablets (in case you find an oasis, which you won’t)
• Electrolyte powder (because passing out from hyponatremia before seeing a UFO would be embarrassing)

Desert-Appropriate Attire

Contrary to popular belief, showing up in a Naruto costume might not be the best choice for desert survival. You’ll want:

A good hat – Not your favorite baseball cap, but a proper wide-brimmed hat that makes you look like you’re about to discover the Lost Ark. Your face will thank you for the shade, even if your Instagram followers won’t.

Proper clothing layers – The desert is nature’s mood ring, going from scorching hot to freezing cold faster than you can say “E.T. phone home.” Light, loose-fitting clothes in breathable fabrics during the day, with warm layers for night. Bonus points if they’re in camouflage, though given it’s Area 51, maybe tin foil is more appropriate.

Navigation Tools: Because “Follow the UFOs” Isn’t a Real Strategy

Remember, your phone’s GPS might mysteriously stop working (totally not because of any government interference, right?). You’ll need:

A compass – And no, not the one on your phone. A real, honest-to-goodness magnetic compass. Though near Area 51, who knows if even that will work properly?

Physical maps – Yes, they still make these! Get detailed topographical maps of the area. Just don’t expect them to show any secret underground bases.

The Tech Setup: Because Pics or It Didn’t Happen

If you’re going to discover alien life, you’ll want proof. Otherwise, who’s going to believe your story about helping E.T. catch an Uber home?

Camera Equipment

You’ll want a camera with:

• Excellent low-light capabilities (UFOs prefer the night shift)
• A powerful zoom lens (because getting too close might result in an all-expenses-paid trip to a government facility)
• Multiple batteries (alien technologies might interfere with electronics)
• Faraday cage storage (to protect your evidence from electromagnetic pulses, or overzealous Men in Black)

Communication Devices

When all else fails, you’ll need:

• A satellite phone (regular cells don’t work well in the desert, even without government interference)
• A emergency radio (solar-powered, because aliens might cut the power)
• Signal flares (to communicate with Earth or passing UFOs, whichever responds first)

Stealth Gear: For the Sneaky Approach

Now, if you’re serious about your classified facility tourism, you might want to consider:

Thermal blankets – They reflect body heat and might confuse any infrared sensors. Plus, they look appropriately alien-chic.

Night vision goggles – Because apparently, aliens are nocturnal. Just don’t cheap out on these – you want to be able to distinguish between a UFO and a weather balloon.

Food and Snacks: Fuel for Close Encounters

Pack high-energy, lightweight foods that won’t melt in the desert heat:

• Energy bars (the ones that taste like cardboard but could survive a nuclear winter)
• Beef jerky (alien-grade protein source)
• Trail mix (heavy on the M&Ms, because chocolate makes everything better)
• Freeze-dried meals (to practice eating like an astronaut)

Emergency Gear: Because Plans Go Wrong

Include in your kit:

• First aid supplies (for everything from blisters to probe-related injuries)
• Emergency shelter (a lightweight tent or bivvy bag)
• Multiple fire-starting methods (matches, lighters, and ferrocerium rods)
• A good knife (useful for everything except fighting off military personnel)

The Social Media Kit: Essential for Any Modern Raid

Because if you discover alien life and don’t post about it, did it really happen?

• Portable chargers (multiple)
• A small laptop for uploading footage
• Pre-written hashtags (#Area51Raid2.0 #TheTruthIsOutThere #NotAnAlien)
• A GoPro (helmet-mounted, for when you need both hands free to Naruto run)

The Escape Plan: Most Important of All

The best gear for an Area 51 raid is actually:

• A full tank of gas
• A valid driver’s license
• The address of the nearest legal tourist attraction
• The common sense to stay on the public side of those warning signs

In Conclusion: A Note on Reality

While this guide is all in good fun, it’s worth noting that Area 51 is a real military installation with real security measures and real consequences for trespassing. The best gear for an Area 51 raid is actually a camera with a really good zoom lens, used from the safety of the public viewing areas miles away from the base.

If you’re genuinely interested in the mysteries of Area 51, consider:

• Visiting the Area 51 Alien Center (a legal tourist attraction)
• Taking the Extraterrestrial Highway tour
• Checking out the nearby town of Rachel, Nevada
• Visiting the National Atomic Testing Museum in Las Vegas

Remember, the truth might be out there, but it’s probably not worth getting arrested over. Save your desert survival gear for a nice, legal camping trip instead.

Note: This article is purely for entertainment purposes. Always respect military installations, private property, and most importantly, the law. The only close encounters you should aim for are the legal kind.